The Cure for Cancer

A while ago, Riley and I discovered "the cure for cancer" during AP Biology. Here is what we deduced:

The Cure for Cancer

By Riley Budd and John Oldroyd

            Throughout the history of the world, scientific theories and speculations have been cropping up everywhere in order to answer several of life’s most puzzling and significant questions. Unfortunately, however, one important question has—until now—remained unanswered: How does someone prevent or effectively treat cancer? Blasting it with radiation, cutting it away, or even radically attempting to vibrate it at a specific frequency to kill it are all methods that have been employed in an attempt to remove this deadly malady, but none have even come close to being as effective as hoped, and all concentrate only on removal as opposed to prevention. In an attempt to do good to all mankind my esteemed colleague and I put forth our most valiant effort to discover how to stop this devilish army of harmful cancer cells.

            The first thing we did was go straight the root of the problem, the cancer cells themselves. A normal, healthy cell will carry out all of its processes when and how it is supposed to and it will only divide when new cells are needed. In order for a cell to divide, a complete copy of the DNA in the cell must take place, which can only happen if tRNA makes a complete transcription, or copy, of the DNA. This can be likened to Monks in a monastery making a transcription of the bible. They only do it because they have faith that they are doing the right thing in copying it. tRNA of course has no idea why it is making the copy of the DNA, for it has no way of knowing for sure that the cell needs to divide in order for the body to stay alive, so it only does what it does because it has faith.

Now, a cancerous cell, on the other hand, is one that does not do what it is supposed to when it is supposed to, but it does whatever it feels like because it doesn’t believe in the body and doesn’t know that carrying out its function properly is what keeps you alive. Therefore, we could simply say that a cancerous cell is an atheist cell that spreads its anti-religious falsity around until an entire colony of non-religious bio-matter begins to take over and kill the body, which it doesn’t believe in.

Our second step, now that we had uncovered the problem, was to figure out a way to restore faith to these rebellious and prideful cells, or to prevent them from dissenting in the first place. The answer to this question is actually relatively simple. All that we must do is send cells with strong faith, those who know it is vital to only do what they should when they should, to teach the cells that have divagated from the straight and narrow path. I call these special cells “Missionary Cells” and they contain all the proper enzymes and spiritual tools to correct the poor souls, uh, cells that have been mislead. When all the cells finally firmly believe in a greater being, all is well, and cancer is no more.



Anyway, as entertaining as that was, later on we realized that we might actually be on to something, as we have been learning about viruses. We realised that a virus could play the part of the "missionary cells" by being engineered to specifically bind to cancerous cells and inject normal strains of DNA, making the cell correct its crooked behavior. We'll have more on this subject later.